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Co-parenting
After the divorce, you are both still your children’s parents. Parenting should still be a priority.
Your Children’s Needs in Co-Parenting
After a divorce, you and your co-parent will need to agree on how to raise your children together. Co-parenting can be hard, especially when you are going through your own pain and adjustments.
Having clear parenting plans can make things easier for both you and your children. No matter how old your children are, sticking to a stable schedule and reducing conflict are the most important things you can do for them. Both of you should also check in often on how your children are coping, and adjust the schedule when needed.
Your children’s needs will change as they grow older. Find out how you can better support your children at each stage of their development:
- Infants and toddlers need a stable schedule for waking, eating and sleeping. This helps them learn to calm themselves. You and your co-parent should keep each other updated on your children’s schedules.
- Time with your co-parent should include caring for the child, for example, feeding, bathing, putting them to sleep, and not just play.
- Children at this age cope better with short and regular visits with each parent. Handovers between parents should be as calm as possible to help children get used to the changes. If this is hard to do, it may be better for one parent to be the main caregiver, while your co-parent can have regular short visits.
- Pre-schoolers are aware of what is happening around them. They are developing better memory and will begin to cope better with longer time away from each parent.
- Set clear and stable schedules to help them feel safe and secure. Preschoolers may still show signs of stress and want to stay close to you.
- Let your children bring a comfort object such as a soft toy or favourite blanket when they move between homes. This can help reduce their anxiety. Pay attention to how your children handle these changes and adjust where needed.
- Children at this age will start taking part in more activities and building friendships. Make sure that your co-parenting plans consider your children’s activities and friendships.
- It is best for both of you to be involved in your children’s daily activities, such as helping with homework and picking them up from after-school activities, rather than only meeting on weekends. This helps children form strong relationships with both parents.
- Teenagers will start developing their own identities and spend more time with friends outside. Set clear rules and schedules for your teenager’s school and social activities.
- Check in with your teenager often to find out how they are doing.
- Teenagers aged 16 and above may want to be more involved in deciding where they live and how they spend their time with each parent. Consider involving them in these discussions while continuing to focus on their best interests.
Things to Consider
As you and your co-parent work out your co-parenting plan, keep your children’s needs and wishes in mind. If you have more than one child, it is usually best to set similar schedules for all of them and keep siblings together.
These questions below can help to guide your discussion on what schedules will best meet your children’s needs. Your answers can be included in the Parenting Plan, which is required when filing for divorce.
- What do your children need at this age?
- What are your children’s personalities?
- Do your children have any medical or health conditions that need special care?
- What will your children lose if they had to change schools?
- What relationships do your children have with their friends and teachers?
- How will you arrange transport and who will look after your children for activities outside of school?
- How will you support your children’s relationships with their extended family, for example, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles?
- How will their schedules be different during public holidays and school holidays?
- How well can you and your co-parent communicate and work together?
- Will you be able to stick to the parenting plan?
- Do you and your co-parent live close enough to each other to meet your children often?
- How and where will handovers take place?
- Are there any other concerns that need to be considered? For example, domestic violence, substance abuse, or mental health concerns.
- What financial plans will be made for your children’s needs? (Learn how to manage your finances).
Co-parenting can be challenging, and it is okay to ask for help. You do not have to manage it alone. FAM centres offer counselling and support for parents who find it hard to work things out together. Find out more about our counselling services.
Simon’s Story
Simon found it hard to agree with his ex-wife on how to care for their daughter after their divorce. With the help of FAM counsellors, they managed to work out how their daughter would spend time with each of them. This helped their daughter stay close to both parents and feel that they both care for her.
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