HomeImpact of DivorceImpact of Divorce on ChildrenCo-parentingManaging Tensions with Your Co-Parent

Co-parenting

After the divorce, you are both still your children’s parents. Parenting should still be a priority.

Managing Tensions with Your Co-Parent

Your children need to feel safe and loved by you, as they may also be going through a hard time. Tensions with your co-parent can take up a lot of your energy, making it harder to focus on your children.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed. There are steps you can take to manage this, for you and your children. You do not have to do this alone.

You can learn practical co-parenting skills and ways to manage tensions with your co-parent through the Children-in-Between E-Learning for Parents.

Remember to keep conflict away from your children. Answer your children’s questions in a way that they can understand.
- For example, you can say: ‘Mummy and daddy have decided to live in different homes, but we both love you very much and this will never change.’
- Try to avoid phrases that may put blame or burden on your children, such as: 'Dad/Mum caused this', 'If only Mum/Dad had changed', or 'You need to help look after Mum/Dad.'
Remember what both of you want best for your children, for example, their safety and happiness. This can help you focus on your children rather than on the conflict between the both of you.
- Children cope best when they are kept out of adult conflict and can maintain loving relationships with both parents. Do not ask your child to choose sides.
Sometimes, your children may not want to spend time with your co-parent. This may be because they feel angry or upset with your co-parent. Try not to force them, but gently encourage the relationship.
- For example, you can say: ‘I know you are feeling angry right now, and that is okay. Mummy/daddy still loves you, and wants to spend time with you.'
- If this continues, consider seeking help from a counsellor to understand what your children need.

Try to communicate with your co-parent in the same way that you would talk to a work colleague. Keep things polite and calm, even when it is hard.
If face-to-face communication is too hard, use texts or emails instead. Try to keep messages focused on your children and avoid bringing up the past.

It is okay to step away from a hard conversation. Before you do, agree on a time to continue the discussion (for example, after a 20-minute break). Use the time to calm yourself down, rather than focusing on what went wrong.
The goal is not to avoid the issue but to talk it through calmly when both of you are ready.

You do not have to manage this on your own. Talking to someone you trust, or seeking professional support, can make a difference.
Conflict can sometimes involve violence or threats. If you feel unsafe at any point, put your safety and your children’s safety first. Reach out to a helpline or someone you trust for guidance, find out where to get help.
Children-in-Between (CiB) is a programme that supports parents and children to manage conflict during divorce and co-parenting.

Diane’s Story

Diane struggled to get along with her ex-husband after their divorce. The tension between them was affecting her and her children. Attending a support group and receiving counselling at a Strengthening Families Programme (FAM) centre helped her cope. Over time, she and her ex-husband were able to work together well for their children.

How has communication with your co-parent been?

What are some common hopes and goals that you and your co-parent have for your children?

Are your thoughts and emotions about the divorce affecting your ability to care for your children?

Parenting After Divorce

Your Children’s Needs in Co-Parenting

Co-parenting

Managing Tensions with Your Co-Parent

Diane’s Story

Pause and Reflect

Family Assist

Co-parenting

Managing Tensions with Your Co-Parent

Put your children first

Communicate respectfully

Take a time-out when things get overwhelming

Seek support from family, friends or professionals

Diane’s Story

Pause and Reflect

Session Timeout