Behavioural:

• Does poorly in school.
• Takes sides with one parent and blames or rejects the other.
• Offers to take care of the parent who seems more vulnerable.

Psychological:

• Has low self-esteem, and feels lonely or angry. 
• Feels shame or embarrassment about the divorce.

Social:

• Spends more time with friends than with family.
• Withdraws from family activities and shared routines.
• Feels uncomfortable in social situations where families with both parents attend, such as school events.

• When talking to your pre-teen:
  • Show your pre-teen affection and reassure them that you love them no matter what happens.
  • Give your pre-teen simple and accurate information about what is happening. You might say: "Mommy and Daddy have thought and talked a lot about this. We will not live together anymore. This is not because of anything that you did. We have problems staying together, but we still love you very much."
  • Read a book about divorce with your pre-teen to help them understand the situation better. Assure them that their feelings and concerns are normal.
• When managing co-parenting:
  • Stay involved in your pre-teen's life. This includes being familiar with their school activities, friendships, and hobbies. Show them that you are present and supportive.
  • Keep your promises. If you agree to pick up your pre-teen or meet at a scheduled time, stick to it.
  • If both parents live apart, ensure both of you visit your pre-teen regularly and consistently.
  • Keep your pre-teen out of any conflicts between parents. This helps reduce pressure on your pre-teen to take sides.
• Working with others:
  • Work with your pre-teen's teachers and ask them to let you know if they notice any changes in your pre-teen.

• Avoid putting your pre-teen in the middle:
  • Do not involve your pre-teen in conflicts between parents. This puts pressure on them to take sides.
  • Do not use your pre-teen to pass messages to your co-parent. This involves your child unnecessarily in adult matters and may add to their stress. Your child may also feel used.
  • Do not use your pre-teen as a "spy" to get information about your co-parent. Your child may feel torn having to decide whether to share about your co-parent’s home or life. It may affect their relationship with you or your co-parent.
• Avoid speaking badly about your co-parent:
  • This makes your pre-teen feel as though you are criticising part of who they are. It puts them in a difficult position and may make them feel they have to take sides. 
  • Remind family members not to speak badly of your co-parent too. 
  • Do not compare your pre-teen to your co-parent. For example, do not say, "You are just like your mother/father."
• Avoid relying on your pre-teen for emotional or psychological support:
  • If you need someone to talk to, consider reaching out to a friend or seeking professional help.

Your pre-teen may have strong and intense feelings and might display concerning behaviours during this time. If you are worried about how your pre-teen is coping, consider these tips to help your child cope or seek counselling support for your child.