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Managing Conflict During Divorce
Keep communication during or after a divorce conflict-free.
Managing Conflict During Divorce
You and your spouse may still need to communicate during a divorce, or even after a divorce. If there is much conflict and hostility between the two of you, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. You will find some tips here that you may wish to use to reduce conflict as much as possible. If you have children, it is especially important to ensure that the hostility between you and your spouse is managed well. You may find more tips on communication and co-parenting here.
- You can journal, take a walk, listen to music, or use deep-breathing exercises to calm down.
- It is easier to discuss an issue when emotions such as anger and disappointment are not running high.
- Acknowledge that your spouse has good ideas and show him/her that his/her opinion is important.
- Try not to object to your spouse’s complaints automatically (e.g. giving excuses or countering their complaints with your own).
- Use reflective listening (E.g. “What I am hearing you say is…”, “Can I check that I’ve understood you correctly…”, “Do you mean to say that…”).
- Compromising means being flexible and using a give-and-take approach so that both of you can come to a solution (e.g. agreeing to let your spouse spend more time together with your children next weekend because he has to work through the current this weekend).
- It can be easy to turn a discussion into a complaining session and fight about everything, in the heat of the moment.
- Stick to one issue at a time and be clear on what you want to achieve regarding the issue.
- Take a step back from the situation when things get intense. Return to the discussion when both you and your spouse have calmed down. Both of you should agree on when to resume the discussion (e.g. after a 20-minute break).
- However, do not withdraw from a conflict without returning to resolve it later on. The goal here would be for you and your spouse to discuss conflict in a calm manner, instead of denying that they exist or “sweeping things under the carpet”.
- Ensure that your children are not exposed to any conflict. Studies show that when children witness or are involved in conflict, especially those involving physical violence, they can be adversely affected.
- Ensure that your children are not caught between you and the other parent during conflicts. When children feel like they need to choose between parents and take a side, this can create a lot of anxiety and insecurity within them.
- If there are difficulties in managing conflict, you and your spouse may want to seek professional help to learn healthier ways to do so.
- If you and the other parent face difficulties in co-parenting, you may want to sign up for Children-in-Between (CiB), a programme designed to teach parents and children how to manage conflict in divorce and/or co-parenting.
- Conflicts may involve violence or abuse when they get heated. Always prioritise your safety and that of your children’s. If you feel unsafe at any point in your relationship, find some help here.
